As a blogger it could be so easy for me to choose to highlight only the good things in my life! In only sharing the positives, I could easily paint a picture of perfection...a perfect home, perfect marriage, perfect children, and a perfect time with homeschooling. But that is not me.
I strive to be real, transparent, and vulnerable as I share my life with you. When anyone ever makes a comment that implies my home/life is perfect I would say, "Oh if only you were a fly on my wall." There are moments when I get ugly, mean, impatient, frustrated, stressed, and allow my flesh to make a grand appearance! As was the case the other night.
As I have shared on here in the past, there have been some dark moments in my marriage. Moments that seemed hopeless and feeling like I was standing at a dead end. I use to allow my emotions to get the best of me and would say things and do things to be hurtful...because I felt hurt.
God has done a mighty work in my life, my heart, and my marriage...but every once in a while the flesh likes to poke it's ugly head up...because I'm not perfect. A few nights ago I laid in bed, late into the night, door locked, and my husband sleeping elsewhere in the house. I felt sick with myself. Why did I say those words? Why did I take those actions? Why did I respond that way?
I thought back to earlier in the evening, to my sweet husband making me dinner after the girls were in bed (we had just filled our freezer with some beef and wanted to try out a steak). I thought back to all his attempts to show love and affection. I was too focused, too distracted, too busy for him. Why do I make other things such a priority over my husband?
As I laid there in the bed, I thought ahead to this weekend, to a ladies retreat that I have planned and organized. How could I show up to something like that and expect favor and blessing with any kind of ugly sin in my heart. The Lord spoke so clearly to me, "Go to your husband, go and say your sorry, ask for forgiveness, make things right"
So I got up out of my bed and went to him. I humbled myself and made right my wrongs (as did he!). He held me in his arms, I cried and cried, but that heaviness was gone, that icky, yucky, dark, and all consuming feeling of sin was lifted. We eventually returned to our bed and I fell asleep with such peace!
God pursues us with such deep love but so often we ignore Him...we are too busy, too distracted, too focused, too much to do. Why do we not make Him a priority? But yet He knows me by name and he holds his arms wide when I have yet again fallen...I run to him, I fall on my face, I repent, I cry, I ask for forgiveness and He takes me in his arms and showers me with love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, wholeness, and freedom! I'm so thankful for a loving God who constantly does this for me, over and over again, without limits.
I am truly blessed...not perfect...but oh so blessed!
Choose humility! Choose to lay down your pride! Choose to put others first! Choose to be selfless! Are you going to fail at times? YES! But then choose humility again, and again, and again!